One of my favorite readers admired this photo of me (“Life, Death, and Beyond Smiggle’s Bottom” p23), in my cowgirl outfit. Alas, I have to admit that I never had cowgirl aspirations. I’m a great admirer of those that do. I did love the Lone Ranger but thought of myself as more of a “faithful companion” type than actual hero. From the age of four until I was eight (the “Fourgoose Era” in the book), my daily playmates were three boys that lived nearby and playing “cowboy” was a popular pastime. I’m quite agreeable to costumes. You can tell because Halloween is my favorite holiday.
My preferred fantasy identity was pirate. I never saw a real ocean until I was19 years old, but as a child I was fascinated by sailing ships, seafaring outlaws, and, of course, pirate acoutrements. I was determined to be a sea captain until junior high when my failure to understand algebra convinced me that I wouldn’t be unable to navigate a ship (never having read beyond nineteenth century sailing techniques). I learned later in life that I’m extremely susceptible to sea sickness—so there went that fantasy. Arrrrr…
Another question was about my name. No one ever called me Felicity; that’s a nom de plume I used in the book. I have always, always been called Gay because of my early crankiness. It’s not the name I was given at birth. I don’t use my birth name for superstitious reasons.
Our children were two-and-a-half and nine months old when we moved into the Dakota apartments. The young couple we bought the apartment from had had a nasty breakup. Residual anger and disappointment that drifted through the rooms were quickly dispelled by children’s laughter and song. But the ghost remained, squeezed into corners in the high ceilings, envious, watching. She spilled orange juice and stole single gloves and socks. She opened the door of the birdcage and scared our parakeet, Bowser, out of the window into unforgiving 73rd Street traffic. She frightened tough men who came to work in the apartment, none would stay after sunset. Only those from Caribbean islands had the confidence to resist her intrigue. She required our golden retriever to stay in an armoire when we weren’t home, but she was never able to intimidate Lucy, our Aussie, even as a puppy.
When the children were at school and my husband at work, she sometimes acted as my muse, though more frequently as Trickster. She made me humble and strong. On cold days, I called downstairs for firewood and she lulled me into a cozy doze even when my mind danced with responsibilities and tasks.
Those were the days when Winnie ran the office with an iron hand. She was postoffice and screener. Those were the days when you might encounter Leonard Bernstein, Gilda Radner, Nureyev, the Lennons…and other less famous but equally impressive neighbors. We were there by fluke and yet, accepted fully at the yearly courtyard party. We took visitors up to the roof and once entertained H.R. Geiger who was unimpressed by our benign ghosts.
I often wondered who our ghost might have been in life. Was she a girl who lived in one of the small servant quarters on the ninth floor and worked for the owners of our apartment? Perhaps she’d never proclaimed her love for an employer who’s wife was ill or unpleasant. Perhaps she was that wife, jealous of a shy serving girl, or unable to bring herself to leave a husband she didn’t love. Perhaps she was a child who’d died young and was too timid to leave her home.
Whoever she was, she was unobtrusive, pleasant and accommodating except for Danny, our loving but dull-witted golden retriever. “The armoire isn’t a dog house, and Danny can have the run of the place when we’re out,” I’d tell her.
Still the door of the armoire would creak open as we left and we’d hear Danny get up from wherever he was and pad toward it. When we returned, we’d hear his tail flap against the side of the armoire and then he’d appear, happy to see us and unconcerned about his incarceration. I finally gave in and put a blanket on the floor to protect Danny from splinters.
One winter night as Danny cavorted about Central Park, a speeding car struck him and sped off. My husband alerted the doorman who called me and I called our vet. He opened his office to take Danny in. A policeman followed us and asked about the car that wasn’t supposed to be in the park. My husband was too traumatized to remember anything.
Danny didn’t survive.
The children were distraught. Gloom prevailed.
But sometimes when we returned home, we’d hear a faint knocking coming from the armoire, sometimes late at night, the sound of soft padding.
When we moved, the armoire came with us. Ghost and dog remained behind in the building more suited to accommodate ghosts. I wasn’t convinced that the new tenants would be compatible with our ghosts, but I felt secure that there were others in the building that would be pleased to welcome and nurture them.
The painted flowers on the old armoire have faded and the floor is cracked from several moves. It has served as pantry, closet, storage, but never again as refuge.
This picture was taken in the 50’s at a Manx convention. My grandmother is the tallest woman in the first standing row. She talked us into going to several of these when I was a child. My dad, who was a magician, did shows for them. My grandfather was long dead of black lung, but grandma met another Manxman at one of these conventions and married him when she was 69 years old. He was the only grandfather I knew since both my real grandfathers were dead before I was born. I loved him madly! Grandparents are the best!
On p3 you say that “gram” had neither the time nor patience, to deal with dental issues so she had all her teeth removed at a young age, refusing anesthesia. Tooth extraction is very painful. Is it possible to endure this?
Apparently, it is. I have a reader that uses self-hypnosis when he gets dental work done, even when he had a broken arm set. I’ve never used this technique myself, but from what I understand it’s much like a (self) guided meditation in order to put yourself into an altered mental state that will allow you to follow auto-suggestions. This trance-like state causes changes in brain activity that alters your perception and experience, enhances your capacity to respond to suggestion. You can learn it from books, teachers, or from the internet. You can buy tapes or download audio that targets all kinds of things—bad habits, phobias, weight loss, relaxation, etc.
You can also have this done by a hypnotist. The formula is prevalent. Music can be hypnotic as can Nature, tranquil movement, or design. Advertising campaigns endeavor to mesmerize you into taking their suggestions. Technology…
As a magician’s daughter, I try to be vigilant toward these tactics because there’s a dark side to mind manipulation. It can become brain washing, thought “reform,” techniques that impair autonomy and independent thinking. It can be practiced on an individual or a group. Crowd control is reinforced by propaganda. (does this sound familiar?) Beware a spectacle composed of smoke and mirrors, all pretense. The man behind the curtain never turns out to be a legitimate wizard.